I’ve been thinking a lot about waiting lately, reflecting on Tanya Marlow’s new book. Today I’m linking up with other blogs on this subject, and offering this little piece of waiting of my own.
This is part of the synchroblog on waiting, to celebrate the release of Those Who Wait: Finding God in Disappointment, Doubt and Delay by Tanya Marlow – out now. See more here and link up to the synchroblog here.
Waiting.
Waiting in a crowd of baying teens,
P.E in frozen rain in December 1985,
hanging my head at the back,
shame heavy in my stomach
Again.
Not chosen. Not chosen. Going to be last,
going to be shoved out in the cold.
Can’t run as fast. Can’t play as well as them. Can’t do this.
The weakling.
The pathetic one.
Waiting.
Waiting for the healing.
‘Aren’t you better yet? You look so well!’
No.
Waiting for the pain to flee away.
The pain that grips so tight, clenching iron-like around my chest,
squeezing in
Relentless.
Waiting for God to ease. To gather it up and fling it far from me.
Waiting in arms of inexpressible love
and depths of inexpressible joy,
but waiting, still.
When will you come, God? When?
How long?
My tears have been my food day and night, says the psalmist, but then
deep still calls to deep.
Still I find rest for my soul,
strength for limbs which have none left,
peace beyond comprehension, and
far beyond that.
Deep still calls to deep
In the roar of waterfalls of something beyond
my pain.
Waiting
Waiting in groaning expectation
For everything to be
Whole.
Those Who Wait: Finding God in Doubt, Disappointment and Delay – Tanya Marlow (Malcolm Down 2017) is a creative journey through the lives of four biblical saints who waited impatiently. It’s for anyone who is waiting for something, (which is all of us), but struggles with it, (which is most of us).
For more details, including the special introductory offer, click here.
This is so powerful! I can just envisage you at the back with the shame eating you up. I wanna put my arms round that girl and tell her she is gonna turn out just fine.
Thanks so much for joining in today!
Thank you so much, Tanya, and thank you for your wonderful book which has helped me reflect on a lot of stuff lately xx
This is beautiful. I can so relate to the “aren’t you better yet?”
Thank you, Kristy – it’s so tough, isn’t it. Blessings. x
Thanks for this. Which seem like words too small and sounds so lame, but really I mean it, thank you for beautiful words that had me right back on the PE field, and to my long battle with glandular fever in my teenage years. I waited long and hard and I forget that now all these years on. Good to be reminded and to know that others wrestle on with the waiting to be whole. Thank you.
Thank you, Kath.
Thank you for sharing, Liz. I’ve found one of the hardest things with an unseen illness is that you can look well, but actually be feeling really ill. When people tell me how well I look, it’s so hard to turn round and say that actually I’m not well at the moment, despite the way I look.
Yes – absolutely. It’s something that people always say, in the hope of saying something positive, I guess, but it kind of makes me feel like I’m faking it, or under pressure to actually ‘be’ well. It’s so hard to explain, isn’t it – it’s wonderful to talk with others who really understand. Thanks for your comment, lovely to connect – I’ll have a look at your site. Bless you.